Flashlight
by keeponsmilingg
Summary: From the novel I'll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson. Noah finds himself reunited with Brian again. Find out what happens when they confront their past.


Excuse me for any foggy details. I just finished this book and had to return it to the e-library, but I had to write more for Noah & Brian. I didn't see many fics, so I wanted to contribute. I was absolutely enamored with this relationship and was disappointed there wasn't more. Nonetheless, Jandy Nelson's writing was absolutely stunning and I won't be able to compare, but still wanted to put something out there.

Flashlight

Dark—it's the only way Noah could describe his life for the past two years. So much had gone so, _so_ wrong and most of it was his own fault. He'd driven his sister away and intentionally sabotaged her chances of getting into the Art School of His Dreams. He'd lost his mother with his last words to her being "I hate you," which was far from the truth. Noah caught his mother in an affair with a Strange Man while everything at home was falling apart. His feelings were confused and frustrated and heartbroken, but not hate. Unfortunately, that was what she left this earth with: thinking her son hated her.

If dealing with death wasn't enough, the one person Noah needed…well, he'd destroyed that relationship too. Er—friendship. Whatever the hell it was. _Was_ being the correct verb because he was 1000% sure he'd ruined any chance of anything with Brian Connelly.

Thankfully, Noah wasn't a betting guy, because somehow after two years of hopeless pining and depression, he found himself in Brian's college dorm room. The two sat on his bed and stared into one another's eyes, contemplating what had happened between them.

"So, do you want something to drink?"

Noah almost didn't hear the muffled words jab themselves into their silent exchange. Of all the time the two boys knew one another, Noah had been the awkward one. Always fumbling and unsure, Brian was the exact opposite. The confidence would flow from his bright eyes to the gap in his tooth. The younger boy had only known his crush to be nervous once before, and that was when they shared their first kiss.

"Water, if you have it. That'd be fine," Noah forced his words. Brian stayed put for a few seconds longer, as if breaking their eye contact would break _him._ He got up from his bed to attend to a small dorm fridge and Noah finally took a deep breath. 58 minutes. He'd checked his watch and this had been the longest they'd been in each other's presence since his mother's funeral. It was before then that Noah had outed Brian to a girl in the neighborhood, putting a solid wall between the two. Before that, Brian returned from his Christmas break from boarding school, only to destroy any confusion that Noah's feelings weren't mutual. They kissed in a wooded hiding spot they'd made their own and drowned in one another.

Months before, Brian Connelly moved into Noah's neighborhood for the summer with a quirk that the young boy hadn't seen before. He was cool, but nerd flood through his veins. He was athletic and cute, but had the brains of a science geek. With his telescope and bags of rocks, Brian stole Noah's heart without his permission.

Brian kept Noah whole while he was still finding pieces of himself. He had his art, and his Mom, and Jude. But then there was Brian.

Noah smiled into his cup of water right before he broke down. A wave of emotions hit him strong and he'd never learned how to surf despite growing up in a beach town. He felt two arms encase him immediately, which felt like lifeboats. The scent of driftwood and clean sheets soothed Noah, but he still felt an overwhelming pain. He only wished he could convey just how sorry he was. How much he wanted to tell the boy that held him how much he loved him and that he still thought about him. The sobs came from both Noah and Brian, now. Caresses and whispers filled the room as the two embraced for what seemed like years. It was as if Brian felt guilty about something too, but Noah couldn't understand what.

"Brian," Noah croaked, finally, breaking free from their mold. Jude had given him the Sun all those years ago, but Brian really only had the power to do that.

"You don't have to say anything, Noah." Brian caressed Noah's arms, sending a permanent chill throughout his body. After all this time, he still had the same effect on him.

It was in The Woods, their infamous meeting spot, that they'd reunited. Noah couldn't be upset with Jude for mingling in his life, but he was anxious. Every week for two years, he posted to Brian on . He didn't think he ever wanted a real response, just to know he'd been heard. His sister wouldn't accept that, though. Noah made a mental note to hug and kiss her later.

Upon reuniting, it'd been an awkward and messy conversation. Talking at the same time, silences filled with dread. Noah apologized immediately for what he did to Brian years ago, but the baseball player thanked him instead.

"I became who I needed to be because of you," Brian told his dark-haired long lost love. After they left the woods, they stopped by the Sweetwine residence before heading back to Brian's dorm room. Brian tore himself from Noah upon seeing Noah's Dad, but delight spread upon his face when Noah grabbed his hand again. Obviously Noah and his Dad would have more to talk about later, but it seemed that nothing in his life had to change for now.

But now that they were back together and alone, life seemed much more real. Where would they go from here? How could the past go without discussion?

"I do have to say something, though, B." Noah stood from his spot and ran his hand through hair that wasn't there. He instantly went back to the kid with the shaggy hair who'd met the boy of his dreams at only 13.

His mom's affair and crumbling relationship with Jude toppled out into the open. Noah explained his jealousy and hurt whenever he saw Brian with Courtney. He confessed his anxieties and struggles to his best abilities. He paced almost every open inch of Brian's tiny dorm room. He couldn't look at him at first, but Brian eventually joined him in the middle of the floor to lock eyes. Noah expected to look up to a face of confusion, but was instead met with the toothy grin he fell for.

"I wish I'd known all that. I wish I could have been there to help you. I never wanted you to be alone," Brian confessed. As nervous as Noah had been all afternoon, Brian made him feel safe. They could have left that day with only a few words exchanged, and it would still be okay.

It was Brian's time to talk and he finally got to tell Noah everything.

"When we met, I remember being so confused but so damn happy all the time. I would ignore the fact that I thought you were so cute and talented, but I couldn't stop being around you, Noah. When I got back from boarding school that semester, being away from you was torture. Those months away solidified everything that had been unclear for so long. And when you told Courtney I was gay," he paused with a hitch in his speech and brought Noah closer to him.

"I was more mad at myself for asking you to hide what we had. And realizing what I was, was more infuriating than the fact that you knew before I did. I wasn't upset that you outed me, but more at the fact that I felt that there wasn't any trust anymore. I felt like I was losing my best friend. And I did."

Brian's smile quickly faded into something smaller, something that was sad. Noah's insides twisted and turned because no matter how much they still cared for one another, their relationship would probably always be strangled. He wanted to fix it. He was so close to the light and he didn't want to lose it again.

Noah felt closed in and wanted to get out, so he suggested the two take a break and get some air. They grabbed some campus Chinese food and Brian gave Noah a tour of Stanford. Noah was surprised at how different the environment was compared to his Southern California. The campus was filled with students from different backgrounds and none of them seemed to be surftards. He smiled at the thought of that word. He was so different from when he knew Brian compared to now, but he'd probably never get rid of that side of him.

They found a place to sit in a grassy area, which Brian claimed to be the perfect spot to catch the Sunset. Against his better judgment, Noah didn't allow any physical space between the two. He edged himself as close as he could to Brian without sitting in his lap. Noah felt the other boy's warmth and smile, confirming that he didn't care one bit. Despite not knowing where they stood, it was clear that neither could stand being apart.

"So, let's actually catch up. Without that hair of yours, I barely noticed you!" Brian peered over to Noah. This was the part he had been waiting for.

"Oh, so you mean fill you in on how I became a jock and bonded with my Dad?" Noah laughed over Brian's shocked expression and went on to tell him everything he could. His throat felt raw when he was finished.

"Dude, I still can't believe you didn't get into CSA. How'd that go over with Jude?" Brian asked him.

"For some reason, I feel like it was rightfully fucked up for Jude to do that to me. Like I had to go through this phase of my life to find my truth. And I'd done similar things to Jude, so being mad would be a little hypocritical," Noah convinced Brian and himself. Sure it stung that his sister never mailed his CSA application, but it was also great to know the CSA staff didn't think Noah sucked. They actually didn't know him at all until recently.

"But, you still have a chance to go now, right?"

Brian was right. Noah did have a chance and he still wasn't sure if he was ready. He hadn't done much art recently besides the mural in that broken down building. However, he was feeling inspired now that he'd been in Brian's presence. Noah then begged for Brian's part of the update. Brian comically took the stage and told Noah about his life apart from him since they'd last met. And it was a lot more exciting than Noah's, that's for sure.

After skipping yet another grade, Brian signed on to the Stanford Baseball Team as a 2nd String Pitcher, which was pretty good for a rookie. The scouts were clambering after him at his games all through his junior year of high school. Starting college early was going to be weird and unusual, but Brian couldn't pass up a scholarship that might not have been there the next year. Plus, he'd have access to one of the best Physics labs in the country. It was a win-win.

Coming out actually wasn't easy at all, despite what the papers made it out to be. Brian was constantly in fear of his spot on the baseball team and his overall safety. But, with the help of a few guys on his new college team, he found himself acclimated to campus and becoming more comfortable with himself. He'd even joined a Gay-Straight Alliance organization on campus.

"So I'm basically in the presence of a celebrity," Noah joked as he lay back on the blanket they sat. Brian joined him and laughed with him.

"Please, I'm so far from that. I'm just thankful for these opportunities that have presented themselves. Especially the current one."

Both boys smiled and gazed up at the setting sun. Pinks and oranges swirled together to create a delicious view. They stayed there in silence and watched the bright colors turn into a deep blue. Brian probably had better things to do than hang out with Noah, but the younger boy couldn't bring himself to care. He'd milk every moment together like it was his last if he could.

And then a scary thought crossed his mind. "So, I'm sure some hot college dudes have been panting after you," Noah offered nervously. He didn't turn his head but could feel Brian stiffen at his words.

"Well, I guess you could say that."

Noah fought the crushing thought of Brian in someone else's arms. Kissing someone else. Telling someone else that he loved _them._ It was unfair. He'd missed his chance and now other guys had the chance at what was once his. Noah did everything he could to block those thoughts from his head now. He'd missed his chance. And that had to be that. It was silly of him to think that Brian had held out for him. Noah was swallowing the growing lump in his throat when his felt a hand grip his.

The rigid breathing grew heavier on his neck and Noah felt hard in places he hadn't in so long.

"But none of them were you."

The words came flying into the air as a faint whisper but held so much sensuality. Noah and Brian practically ran back to Brian's room. They fell onto Brian's bed touching skin and groping. Their mixed clothing formed a mound on the floor. Noah found a fire inside of him and took charge. He mounted his newfound love under him and ground his pelvis against Brian's ferociously. If he couldn't express with words how much he needed him, he would with his body.

Brian returned the mercilessness as he sat up and grabbed the back of Noah's neck. Their lips found one another and two similar but distinct moans roared from the contact. Lips bitten and swollen from action, Noah and Brian would look injured later. The boys stayed close, kissing and petting. Wanting nothing more than to enjoy this moment. They'd never shared a bed before and would cherish this forever.

With an early training session in the morning, Noah stopped himself for going any further than a deep make out session. Brian's lower body begged for more, but Noah wouldn't be blamed for a shitty workout the next day. He bashfully promised there would be more where this came from…if only Brian wanted that.

Noah was almost startled at how loud Brian laughed at this. He brought Noah's head to his chest and wrapped his legs around him. Not only did he want more, but also he was determined to get it.

Noah sent a quick text to his sister and was pleased to find she would cover his whereabouts for the evening. He'd found his light again and there was no way he was going back to the darkness anytime soon.


End file.
